How do I begin to tell you about my decision to resign a position I once loved and felt called to? Where do I start? Whatever I say here will seem so...so inadequate. But I almost feel that I need to try to put into writing some sort of summary of the journey I have been through in the last year for my own closure.
On March 14, I informed my congregation of my resignation as Minister of Worship and Music at North Main St. Mennonite Church (and also as church secretary) with the intention of finding a new church home. A painful and profoundly difficult day. And here it is May 19 and I am staring my last Sunday as Minister of Worship and Music square in the face. This Sunday will be the last time, in this role, that I stand on the platform and lead a hymn I love and look out at the faces of the congregation as they sing along heartily. It will be the last time that I will play the piano for prelude and offertory and accompany the praise team - as a minister. It will be the last Sunday that I enjoy worship, clothed in the role that I have learned to live in and embrace.
I don't think I'm ready to write about the process that led to this decision. At some point I will need to. It feels too raw at this time. But I can say, happily, that my feelings toward this congregation have taken a drastic turn from what they were at the moment of my resignation. While I am still secure in the knowledge that North Main is not a good fit for Brian and myself in the long run, my feelings of frustration, anger, disillusionment, and maybe even disgust, have all but been forgotten. I now feel gratitude, love, regret, and affection. I know that I will be able to walk away and things will have ended as well as they possibly could have. And that's what I have desired all along - that this break would be as positive for all parties as it could be.
At the beginning of April I attended a Mennonite Women in Conversation Retreat in Laurelville, PA that was AMAZING! (The keynote speaker was the super-awesome Megan Ramer.) The theme of the weekend was gratitude, always a topic that resonates for me. And I realized in that weekend that I had not allowed myself to grieve the loss of my position. Perhaps because I was the one to make the decision, and because of that I felt guilty. What right did I have to grieve? I'm the one who is hurting our congregation, people I love. But I needed to accept the fact that I am allowed to feel sad, even if the decision was mine. I also allowed myself to feel the fear of not knowing what is next for me. What will I be now that this position that gave me so much identity is over? And how will Brian and I survive without my income? As I allowed myself to be present in these feelings, the floodgates of emotion just opened up. That weekend allowed me to move towards healing, even as I journey through this mourning process.
A question in one of our sessions that weekend was how do we live in gratitude during times seasons in our lives where things to be grateful for are not apparent, where things are difficult? And I made a decision to move through this stage in life with gratitude - whatever that means, however I can find it.
So, I am grateful to have had this experience and opportunity. I am grateful for the friends and family who have walked through this with me, lending me an ear or a shoulder to lean on. I am grateful for a "sabbatical" this summer as I try to figure out where I am being led. I am grateful for a husband who assures me that things will work themselves out. I'm grateful for the adventure of whatever is next. I am grateful for a congregation who is sending Brian and I with an outpouring of love.
And I am so grateful.
3 comments:
You bring tears to my eyes. Love you guys!
What a very nice closure to a big chapter in your life. I really like how you're going to read the blessings that your friends have given you one at a time when you feel you really need it. That will make them feel even more special than they already are. Good luck to you and Brian. I know you're going to be fine... you're just that kind of gal! :-)
derrick shared your blog address with me so that i could read this post. just affirms for me how important those times of retreat and/or times with women are. the way thing can be heard and received in ways that "regular life" rarely allows. gratitude realized. so very YES. of course that's the 5th part to the series! i'm cheering you on as you step into the next illuminated circle of light, not certain yet where the path leads. may gratitude prove to be a faithful companion. that and fishnet stockings. (did read a few more fun posts as well - and TOTALLY support you growing into the 91-year-old version of you that looks back and smiles... grateful that the 30-something version of you did something that fun and crazy!! maybe "ana-bap-you-on-the-toosh" or "ana-bap-THIS!")
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