Weak Week

*WARNING* What follows could be classified as a pity party and has been known in the state of California to cause birth defects and extreme irritation on the part of the reader.

I have never been so happy to bid sayonara to a week than I am to this one.  And here I was just getting ready to write an entry in which I exclaimed from the mountain tops that I am the happiest and healthiest I have ever been.  Thanks universe, for reminding me that life is full of poop.


The week began with a debilitating cold that made me waste an entire weekend sleeping and feeling miserable.  When I wasn't sleeping I was wallowing - and producing more snot than one can possibly fathom.  


Already in a weakened state, I received news on Monday that triggered an 18 hour crying jag.  Granted, I am prone to bouts of crying when I am sick (please tell me this happens to others) but this episode was really quite epic.  I still have a headache from it.


Now, weakened and depressed, my neck decided to become kinked, rendering me sleepless.  I even tried sleeping with one of those ridiculous doughnut looking travel pillows under my neck.  (Okay look, those pillows really do make sleeping on an airplane at least bearable.)  But sleep has been elusive.

Weakened, depressed, and tired, I began yesterday in a very precarious state of mind.  But hope springs eternal and there are always little things to look forward to in a day - like the mail delivery.  I love getting the mail.  I look forward to bringing in the mail.  Sometimes I know it's there and I make myself wait to go get it because the anticipation is just such fun.  But yesterday, the mail carrier approached the house - and just walked on by. 

Hours later I received an email informing me that my favorite store in town, The Shuttle Shop, is closing.  This is my local yarn store - where I learned how to knit and how to knit confidently.  This is where my shy, insecure self branched out and met new friends.  This is the cozy little shop with the fun and quirky owner and where I spent hours sitting on the sweetly battered furniture knitting away happily.  This is where I developed a hobby that I love and a past-time that relieves stress.  This is a refuge in this town for me.  So somehow this felt like the final resounding blow on this already battered spirit.  It felt like every part of my sunny disposition exploded in a gory pool around me.


So when Brian walks in this door in a few minutes and our weekend officially begins, I am shedding this week like an over-ripe snake skin.  I am letting it go and I am going to be happy again.  Because that's how I normally am.  And that's how I choose to be.


Happy weekend to you all.

I am an Old Person Whom Shall Henceforth Talk About Her Physical Ailments

I've been a little tired lately.  That is perhaps the greatest understatement ever made on my blog.  (And I've been known to exaggerate upon occasion.)  I have been grossly exhausted.  To the point that I was getting ten or more hours of sleep a night, still taking naps, and when I was awake I felt like I was under water trying to move through my day.  On top of that I felt like my heart was racing all the time - a constant bounding heartbeat.

So naturally, I thought I was going to die. 

Then I slapped myself across my face, pulled myself together, and got focused.  I did what any other sane person would do.  I turned to Google for answers.  One suggestion that came up was that I might be anemic (low on iron).  Light bulb.  I don't know why I didn't think of this.  (It was probably the lack of red blood cells carrying oxygen to my brain.) 

I've had trouble with iron ever since high school.  The first time I ran into it was my junior or senior year.  I had been highly fatigued for at least six months and I remember begging my mother to take me to the doctor to see what was wrong.  She finally did.  (Although, looking back, I admire her restraint because I can't imagine how snide I probably would have been.  Oh, you're a teenager and you're tired are you?  Don't say!  I just can't imagine!  Let me alert the media!  A tired teenager!)  Anyway, he immediately put me on iron.  I was pretty much right as rain within a week. 

The first year Brian and I were married a different doctor caught my low iron levels in a blood test and again, I went on iron.  But I worry about having too much iron since it builds up in your system - so I always end up going off of it eventually.  Evidently it'd been a little too long.  So, I'm back on the sweet, sweet, iron.  Within two days my heartbeat was back to normal (the rapid heartbeat is caused by not having enough red blood cells to carry oxygen so the heart has to work extra hard - sorry heart!) and my energy levels have been steadily improving.  I've crawled out of the bed, off the couch, and out from under my blankies and I'm ready to meet the world again.

In related news: I have discovered Melatonin!  Melatonin is a hormone that helps control circadian rhythms.  It's a simple supplement that can be purchased in the vitamin section.  I think we all know I have sleep issues.  I have been taking it for a few weeks and it may all be in my head - but I'm going to sleep at normal times and waking up at normal times.  I may be able to live my life like a normal person!!  I never thought it could be possible.  I think all along I've had a dysfunctional circadian rhythm.  I don't know how long I'll take it, because I don't want to turn into that crazy supplement-taking-38-pills-a-day-lady.  But right now, it feels nice to function like the rest of humanity. 

So, my blood's all pumped up with iron and I'm sleeping normally.  Who knows what's next! 

Wasted Days and Sleepless Nights

The thing has happened that I have been afraid of all summer: namely I have flip-flopped my days and nights.  You see left to my own devices, without needing to be up at a certain time each morning, my sleep cycle will eventually creep into the pattern of a nocturnal animal.  My internal clock evidently has the exact same genetic make-up as that of a vampire bat.  This is very frustrating to me.

I come by it honestly.  While a youngster I would be lying awake at night and I would hear my dad prowling through the house.  He'd be up in the kitchen and then he'd be back down.  Then he'd be up again.  He probably had no clue that his daughter suffered this same affliction and was lying in her room sleepless.  But I wasn't really allowed to prowl.  Plus I think it would be awkward running into your dad in the kitchen at 2:00 in the morning.  Me in my jammies, him in his not-jammies, being all, "hey, how's it going? Down here for a snack?"  Followed by uncomfortable silence. 

My mom came over yesterday and I was bemoaning the fact that I had been awake until 4:00 a.m. that morning.  And she said, rather casually, "yeah, your dad and I don't really sleep."  Awesome.  It's going to get worse.  They both have sleep troubles.  So, I have that to look forward to.  I guess I don't really stand a chance. 

I try.  I really do.  I have developed a system you see, to help me get to sleep.  It is simple really, and up until recently, very effective.  I have it down to a science.  My problem is that my brain will not wind down or shut off when I lay down so that I can go to sleep.  And it isn't good activity going on in my brain.  It is BAD activity.  As in, the most unpleasant thoughts and memories assault me while I lie helpless to the attack. 

Bad brain says:
You remember that time in 5th grade that you told those boys at the pond that you hoped they drowned?  You were just joking but what if they thought you were serious!  Why would you say something like that?  Stupid, ugly, stupid thing to say.  What an awkward kid you were...

And you're still awkward.  That telephone conversation you had today was a real doozie.  You sounded like an idiot.  I bet the person you were talking to thought you were a dummy.  And what if she misinterpreted that thing you said.  I would have misinterpreted it.  I bet she did too and is TERRIBLY offended.  How will you ever make it right...

Like the time when you and Brian were dating and you mistakenly made him upset for just a second but then you got mad and pouted the rest of the evening.  You are such a b***h.  I think he probably remembers that and judges you constantly for it...

And think of all you need to get done tomorrow.  You're lazy.  Why aren't you more productive?

And on and on it goes.  Reliving every bad memory, every stupid thing I've ever done or said from the time I was five years old to the present day.  (So, um, that takes quite a bit of time.)  Not to mention that I have to brood over the future, which always looks grim in my bad brain, for a while.  And I just cannot get out of my head.

So the system I have for falling asleep, which I don't really like to tell people about because it's a bit embarrassing, is this:  I turn on children's movies that I have seen multiple times.  Sometimes I watch comedies that I have viewed numerous times but mostly it's children's movies.  And I do not set a timer on the TV because then, good heavens, I have a deadline that I have to be asleep by and I DO NOT NEED THAT KIND OF PRESSURE!  Kids movies provide a warm and comforting back-drop and are usually laced with good humor and cute noises which gently lull me to sleep.  It has to be one I've seen because if it's a movie I haven't viewed before, I will want to stay up and see what happens.  And listening to these silly movies shuts out the bad brain noises.  Usually.

So I have seen, more times than you can shake a stick at, Ratatouille, Horton Hears a Who, The Incredibles, Monsters Inc., Kung Fu Panda, and my personal favorite falling asleep movie, Cars.  There are others.  I go through phases.  Right now it's Kung Fu Panda.  Crazy movie.  Silly panda wanting to be the kung fu Dragon Warrior.  What is he thinking?  The method is so effective that often I'm asleep before Lightning McQueen has made it to Radiator Springs, or Po (the panda) begins his kung fu training. 

But alas, this week my methods have been unsuccessful.  On Wednesday night I watched three movies before falling asleep.  (Seriously, Nights in Rodanthe is the most horribly depressing movie.  Why even bother making such a dreadful feature?)  Even when I turned on Kung Fu Panda my brain wouldn't shut down.  I had to keep telling myself to listen to the movie.  Last night, or this morning, I was awake when Brian's alarms went off.  (Granted the alarm sounds at about 4:30 a.m., it's not like it's 8:00 in the morning...that would be ridiculous.  Although give me a week and, at the rate I'm going, that might be the time I'm going to sleep.) 

So, the goal this weekend: get a grip, and try to achieve a sleep schedule that doesn't resemble that of the undead. 

Hopefully I will not have to resort to heavy doping.