The thing has happened that I have been afraid of all summer: namely I have flip-flopped my days and nights. You see left to my own devices, without needing to be up at a certain time each morning, my sleep cycle will eventually creep into the pattern of a nocturnal animal. My internal clock evidently has the exact same genetic make-up as that of a vampire bat. This is very frustrating to me.
I come by it honestly. While a youngster I would be lying awake at night and I would hear my dad prowling through the house. He'd be up in the kitchen and then he'd be back down. Then he'd be up again. He probably had no clue that his daughter suffered this same affliction and was lying in her room sleepless. But I wasn't really allowed to prowl. Plus I think it would be awkward running into your dad in the kitchen at 2:00 in the morning. Me in my jammies, him in his not-jammies, being all, "hey, how's it going? Down here for a snack?" Followed by uncomfortable silence.
My mom came over yesterday and I was bemoaning the fact that I had been awake until 4:00 a.m. that morning. And she said, rather casually, "yeah, your dad and I don't really sleep." Awesome. It's going to get worse. They both have sleep troubles. So, I have that to look forward to. I guess I don't really stand a chance.
I try. I really do. I have developed a system you see, to help me get to sleep. It is simple really, and up until recently, very effective. I have it down to a science. My problem is that my brain will not wind down or shut off when I lay down so that I can go to sleep. And it isn't good activity going on in my brain. It is BAD activity. As in, the most unpleasant thoughts and memories assault me while I lie helpless to the attack.
Bad brain says:
You remember that time in 5th grade that you told those boys at the pond that you hoped they drowned? You were just joking but what if they thought you were serious! Why would you say something like that? Stupid, ugly, stupid thing to say. What an awkward kid you were...
And you're still awkward. That telephone conversation you had today was a real doozie. You sounded like an idiot. I bet the person you were talking to thought you were a dummy. And what if she misinterpreted that thing you said. I would have misinterpreted it. I bet she did too and is TERRIBLY offended. How will you ever make it right...
Like the time when you and Brian were dating and you mistakenly made him upset for just a second but then you got mad and pouted the rest of the evening. You are such a b***h. I think he probably remembers that and judges you constantly for it...
And think of all you need to get done tomorrow. You're lazy. Why aren't you more productive?
And on and on it goes. Reliving every bad memory, every stupid thing I've ever done or said from the time I was five years old to the present day. (So, um, that takes quite a bit of time.) Not to mention that I have to brood over the future, which always looks grim in my bad brain, for a while. And I just cannot get out of my head.
So the system I have for falling asleep, which I don't really like to tell people about because it's a bit embarrassing, is this: I turn on children's movies that I have seen multiple times. Sometimes I watch comedies that I have viewed numerous times but mostly it's children's movies. And I do not set a timer on the TV because then, good heavens, I have a deadline that I have to be asleep by and I DO NOT NEED THAT KIND OF PRESSURE! Kids movies provide a warm and comforting back-drop and are usually laced with good humor and cute noises which gently lull me to sleep. It has to be one I've seen because if it's a movie I haven't viewed before, I will want to stay up and see what happens. And listening to these silly movies shuts out the bad brain noises. Usually.
So I have seen, more times than you can shake a stick at, Ratatouille, Horton Hears a Who, The Incredibles, Monsters Inc., Kung Fu Panda, and my personal favorite falling asleep movie, Cars. There are others. I go through phases. Right now it's Kung Fu Panda. Crazy movie. Silly panda wanting to be the kung fu Dragon Warrior. What is he thinking? The method is so effective that often I'm asleep before Lightning McQueen has made it to Radiator Springs, or Po (the panda) begins his kung fu training.
But alas, this week my methods have been unsuccessful. On Wednesday night I watched three movies before falling asleep. (Seriously, Nights in Rodanthe is the most horribly depressing movie. Why even bother making such a dreadful feature?) Even when I turned on Kung Fu Panda my brain wouldn't shut down. I had to keep telling myself to listen to the movie. Last night, or this morning, I was awake when Brian's alarms went off. (Granted the alarm sounds at about 4:30 a.m., it's not like it's 8:00 in the morning...that would be ridiculous. Although give me a week and, at the rate I'm going, that might be the time I'm going to sleep.)
So, the goal this weekend: get a grip, and try to achieve a sleep schedule that doesn't resemble that of the undead.
Hopefully I will not have to resort to heavy doping.
