But through that experience, and then a week in Costa Rica with five other people, I have had an epiphany about myself. I care WAY too much about what other people think about me. (Not really a new revelation for me.) And I know that we all do it, but I'm realizing that I do it to the point of obsession. I find that I change a bit of who I am depending on the person I am with and who I think that person wants to be around. So, last week, around five other people, my mind almost exploded with the challenge of being who I thought each of those five distinct individuals wanted me to be. Poor Brian had to walk me through a mental break-down one night half way through the vacation. I literally ended up sitting on his knee crying. (There's a pathetic image that I bet none of you particularly wanted.) Don't get me wrong here, the vacation was amazing and everyone was fantastic (a trip report should be following soon). This was just one "off" evening for me and it triggered baggage that I realized needed dealing with.
As 2011 looms ever closer, I have decided that I need to "let go" for my new year's resolution. I really don't know how I'll do it. It's not like deciding to floss or exercise every day. Those things are concrete. But I may need to adopt a mantra for handling my unhealthy concerns - even though I'm afraid of becoming callous and mean. I just need to do my best, and if others don't like it it's their own problem to deal with. (Even typing that gives me hives and leaves me convinced I will end up friendless and alone.)
Perhaps I should stick with the experts and adopt the daily affirmation of the wise and timeless Stuart Smalley: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!"
1 comment:
Lisa-
Like so many of your jottings, you have once again wrote what the rest of us feel! You are not alone in this challenge in relating to others... maybe we all need this new years resolution! Just for the record, I always have felt that you have been "real" with me! Audrey
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